How do you know you are with the wrong person, or...?
...that you can work out your compatibility issues? If you have the same core values (more or less) but their outlook on life -- you have a hard time relating to your partner sometimes...How do you fix that when in the beginning it was what attracted you to each other?
Update:Thank you, The Mrs. You always give thoroughly good answers :-) I sound like your hubby and my guy sounds like you! I guess I'm at a point where love isn't enough & I don't know what to do. I feel stuck. I love him, but...I know I am nowhere near perfect. He is a good man & treats me like gold. I'm just at a point where I have shut down and withdrawn because I don't know what to say anymore. I don't feel a connection anymore...
Comments
So how long have you guys been together? I'm just curious how invested you are in this relationship. If it's fairly new, and you already feel "stuck", it might be a sign that you're not the right fit.
I'll be honest, I have trouble relating to my husband sometimes. He is extreme in some things, and I can be extreme in other things; at times, we really don't understand each other. But it's not a big deal - different perspectives is a par for the course. You will never find someone who is *exactly* like you; there will always be differences. This in itself shouldn't be a big deal.
Also, my husband and I, too, have different hobbies. We share some things in common, but a lot of our interests are different. He looks into the future, is passionate about technology, space exploration, airplanes, loves to build stuff, fix things, etc. I'm more interested in the past - history, archaeology; I'm not a techie, for me technology is just a means to have fun and save time, not something to be taken apart and figured out and put back together. Basically, I don't care what's under the hood of my car, as long as it runs - and he's the kind of guy who'll take the car apart to find out how it works. I like music and art; he doesn't hate these things, but he doesn't appreciate them like I do. Maybe I just made it sound like we're complete opposites, but we're not; I simply chose to highlight the differences. Our lifestyles are similar - we are not into sports, we prefer to stay in rather than go out and party, we like to do our own thing rather than doing things with other people, we like animals, we have just the right balance of together time and alone time, we enjoy spending time with our families, everyone gets along great, we like Renaissance re-enactment, we like to camp and go on RV trips, we like to go on cruises... The list can go on. Yes, we have our differences, but I see these differences as enriching rather than detracting. I've gained a lot more appreciation of technology with his insight, and he leaned a few new things about Ancient Egypt by talking to me. So we expand each other's horizons rather than getting in each other's way.
Two things: are your differences causing problems? Example: one of you has a temper, and can't keep the conversation civil in times when you disagree. This would be a problem, but it is an anger problem, not so much a difference of opinion problem.
Second thing to consider: could it be that this relationship doesn't "feel right" not necessarily because of how well your particular views mesh, but simply because it's "not right"? I don't know how to explain it, but sometimes things just feel "off", and you might not even be able to put your finger on it. You may cast about for explanation, and come up with "we're different in our political views" or something like that, but it might not be the root of the problem. Gut feeling is a powerful thing, don't discount it.
For me personally, the relationship just felt "right". Absolutely, there are areas where we are totally incompatible. But in the context of the relationship as a whole, I felt these were minor. He was such a positive force in my life overall that there wasn't even a question whether or not he was the right person for me. I knew he was the right fit within a couple of months of us dating each other. We've been together for almost 5 years, and my opinion hasn't changed. I feel as if we complete each other. We chose to embrace our differences instead of trying to "fix" them, and it seems to be working so far.
I think you will know you are with the wrong person if there is only a pretense of respect or caring, and no attempt at understanding. When what you say or do matters not to the other person, or only in ways that they feel can work to their advantage, then you know you are with the wrong person. As long as you have the same core values, more or less, and can relate to them most of the time, or at least about the things that matter most, then you are okay.
People can have different political views and still be compatible. Philosophical outlooks, you're getting into deeper territory. That depends, I guess on just how far apart you stand. With most things, there is going to be some ground that overlaps, but if you are poles apart on a wide variety of things, that can be hard to overcome. Having different interests is fine, but it helps to have some in common. All in all, it is possible to be two very different individuals and still complement each other, as long as the desire is present by both people to make it work. It may take a little extra work but with love, humor and respect, it can. You have to be willing to learn and grow from and with each other, and keep an open mind.
Not to repeat myself, but if you feel you are too different on too many things, or things that matter deeply, then you need to decide if it is worth it or not. Life really is too short to be spent in misery.
If you are happy with and like who you are and the other person isn't and doesn't, then they shouldn't waste your time, and vice versa.
That's my sermon for the day. lol! Good luck! ; )
What do you mean by different outlook? Do you have different goals, interests, attitude?
EDIT- My husband and I have very similar political stances, we differ slightly but know those are issues we simply have to agree to disagree about. We see the world somewhat differently but I think our up bringing and careers have a lot to do with it, even though we are both teachers.
He was raised in a very Southern Baptist military home. He works with juvenile felons. To me he often sees the word as black and white, right or wrong, and often believes we all have roles which we are supposed to carry out dutifully (this also includes sex roles). Because of the military upbringing he is very structured when something needs to be done.
I was raised by hippie parents who were and continue to be very much into the arts (an art and music teacher too). My grandma took us to church, my parents never went. I am a kindergarten teacher, I see a lot of shades of gray and am rarely "black and white" on most issues. Though I naturally fit into a women's stereotyped role (I am great with kids, like to cook, am very warm hearted...hate to clean though) I easily see how others would differ.
A lot in a relationship is give and take and understanding the other person. I think simple differences are often easily able to be worked out. However if your core values or goals in life differ, you will have problems.
In any relationship BOTH people have to want and be willing to work toward the same major goals. (such as when to have kids, when to get married, where to live, money and expenses, etc)
You also have to be able to talk openly, calmly and honestly about everything and compromise and come to a mutual agreement that works for both of them.
A successful or compatable relationship is one between 2 people who have the same core beliefs...*the major stuff) and who's differences compliment each other.
They also bring out the best in each other and want the best for each other.
It is one in which both people accept and love each other as they are...without trying to change them.
Hope this helped.
You dont have to have ALL of the same interests....but you should be able to share and talk about each other's individual interests.
Its ok to have different opinions about certain things thats what makes us unique as individuals. But when your feelings change, you feel like you would rather be apart than together and there is no communication or passion then you know its time to move on.
It is ok to have separate interests. Sometimes it is hard to be so much like the other partner because it can get pretty boring, eventually.
The end of the world is coming and you are cuaght in the middle of a traffic jam.
Might make it home to him, or you may just stop and enjoy the last sunshine of mankind with the guy in the next car.
What would be your choice?
Nit picking will ruin a good relationship you are not going to be 100% compatible ,so face it !!
When you ask yourself this question, that's how you know. If you're with the "right person", there will be no doubts. Intuitively, you will just know.
Darn good question!